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Answers (7)

EXPERT
Darren Haber, MFT (Psychotherapist) answered
I find that a few friendly taps on the head with a ballpeen hammer usually get guys' attention.  But seriously...I think I'd need to know a little more about what's going on here.  I am assuming it bothers you (understandably).  How often is this occurring and is it around any specific topics?  Does he have some kind of routine that he doesn't like disturbed?  Is he non-communicative in general?  A couple of suggestions here.  One is, if he doesn't want to talk, and you don't want to just "drop" whatever is on your mind, you can say something like, "I see now is not a good time, can we make a time later, as I have some things to discuss with you?"  Second, let him know that this is bothering you, at a time when he's in "listening" mode.  You can say you feel ignored, or disregarded, or confused, or angry, or all or none of the above, and want to understand this and work something out.  If he needs "space" or time to do his thing, he can communicate that to you in a respectful way.  If this is a relationship you feel invested in, and none of this works, some couples counseling might help, even short term.  Relationships, intimacy, and communications therein are very difficult because you have your "stuff", your boyfriend's "stuff", your interpretation of his stuff (and yours), and his interpretations, and it all can get very tangled when emotions run high.  Bottom line is, you need to tell him if you're feeling perpetually ignored, because stonewalling a partner is very destructive as an ongoing pattern.  Final thought: sometimes people don't really want to talk, they just want to feel connected.  It could be you have things to say, or perhaps you just want to feel close to him.  Maybe you could have some nonverbal time together, holding hands, listening to music, taking a walk.  Some people, esp. men, aren't as comfortable talking as others.  Doesn't mean you should be stonewalled, but maybe there's a way to get your needs met in a way that works for both of you.  
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kryslove commented
It happens a lot because he is afraid our talks will become arguments. However, a relationship needs communication. Plus most of the arguments are caused because he raises his voice. I dont know what to do anymore. I love him to death and he loves me just the same, but I feel we need to communicate as well in order to fix certain problems in our relationship.
EXPERT
Darren Haber, MFT (Psychotherapist) answered
He's going to have to learn to communicate without raising his voice.  Perhaps you could ask him to work on that. If he loves you to death it is something he will have to learn.  Shouting destroys intimacy.  Anger can be communicated in a way that is still respect-based.  I hope you two can find common ground.  
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Katharina commented
my dad always raises his voice when arguing . . . I hate that. My grandma has a nice little way to make him stop and listen: the louder he gets the quieter she talks. So he has to stop yelling to hear what she's saying ;)
EXPERT
Dr. Stephen Betchen (Marriage & Family Therapist, Sex Therapist) answered
And remember, don't pursue a distancer.
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EXPERT
Darren Haber, MFT (Psychotherapist) answered

I think all you can do is make requests: here's what I'd like to see, here's how I feel.  Try to make it about "we" not "me" i.e. the relationship.  "It puts astrain on us, I think, when I feel distant."  Or, "I know you don't like to talk, but just a little bit of communication would help me feel closer."  Try to make it "and" rather than "or".  Like, "you don't like to talk" AND "I do need some communication, so what's a mutually good solution?"  Try to keep it as rooted in your own emotional truth, while respecting your partner's truth, and imagine it's a team effort to come up with a compromise.  A lot of male patients I have don't mind talking but they really weren't shown how by withdrawn, shut-off dads.  If you can think of times your partner DID talk, praise and support his efforts.  Men often feel inadequate in this dept so they feel bad and stop trying.  There are not a lot of healthy models for open and honest male communication in our culture.  (It's like, you're James Bond or you like show tunes.)  Also, physical affection can be a way of "talking" too.  :)
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kryslove answered
Thank you Dr. Haber! You have been a big help. I will definately take your advice into consideration. I enjoyed speaking with you.
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EXPERT
Darren Haber, MFT commented
No problem, glad it helped.
Anonymous answered
I am the type of person that I like to resolve the problem right there and then. My boyfriend has been in a very bad mood lately, he has been going through a lot.I don't feel like I am on his mind. i feel ignored and he does not like to talk about the problems we have. I feel like my feelings come last. I want to be with him still, but I feel that my relationship is unhealthy at the moment. How do I make things work without me changing myself and wanting to talk about our problem and make him happy at the same time? I know that if we break up I will be sad and if we stay together and If nothing changes I'll still be sad. I just don't know what to do. 
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kryslove commented
I know i have my own problems and so your aren't any of my business but why don't you try notifying Darren Haber. Like ask him because he is very insightful.
Anonymous answered
i am in the same condition.. i also need help
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Anonymous answered
there is nothing good to be in relationship.. all boys are the same. they do whatever they want to do and find every other girl more attractive than their own girl friend.  And they say they have work just to avoid us.
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Anonymous commented
Haha sometimes I feel exactly the same way! But it's not always so bleak. We just need to find the right person, and understand that problems are par for the course.
Anonymous commented
exactly !!! :(
cuppycakelol answered
My boyfriend had said I talked to much. It was because I felt like I could be my self with him. I grew up being silenced by everyone still do so I was happy to have someone to talk to. When he said this the next time I talked to him on the phone I kept my replies short. Few minutes later he kept asking me questions paying attention and even begged me to talk more. Yes arguments happen but when he tries to argue I don't give in I talk normal still put in my input and explain that though we may think differently we don't have to compete for who is right or compete with talking louder that communication is good and opinions are too but that if he wants to challenge me or have a debate to look elsewhere.
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Anonymous commented
I fell deeply in love with my boyfriend and later he told me he is married, well we can never be together. he stop answering my call or txt message,i pnly want us to be friends just to hear his voice to feel his presence am deeply missing him so much can any one of u tell me what to do..
Anonymous answered
i m in a long distance relationship from last 4 years. MA! EARLIER we use to talk 24/7 on ph but later our relationship faced so many problems during the second year of our relationship but got resolved in 6 months. but now i m a changed person i m insecure, scared and with low confidence and have fear of loosing him all the time and wht will i do without him. he loves me like his mother nd so do i but communication is a big problem. he doesnt talk when i talk he is always like what r u talkin? why do u have to discuss this? why do u talk much? i want to sit quite. even if we meet for a day in a month or 2. we sit nd we dont talk. nd from last 1 year he is busy in buisness so we hardly talk for half an hour a day. though we are in touch for  the whole day thru mgs like 5 6 times a day. but doesnt talk. what do i do? i dont understand
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Anonymous answered
Im having the same problem at the moment, im madly in love with my man and so close to all of his family. But two days ago we had a big row and he said he needs his space. He doesnt allow me to cry in front of him so i just get angry to stop myself. I called him last night to see how he is but he just responded with "we shouldnt be talking right now"... and hung up? Please give me some advice? 
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