Q:
My bf works w/ a really hot woman. Nothing will happen, but how can I not be bothered that he's definitely having sexual thoughts about her?
Anonymous asked this
A:
Answers (3)
EXPERT
It is also helpful to understand that men have sexual thoughts pretty much all the time. This is true for men of all ages, they are hard wired for sexual stimulus/ response and get turned on primarily visually, by what they see. What it is exactly that turns a man on is a complex and ever-changing landscape, each new image they encounter adds a new dimension to this inner world. Sexuality, for both men and women, is not a fixed thing.
The overwhelming majority of men see things all day that turn them on without really attaching to it. They see an image and find it erotic, have a fleeting thought about it, and then it's gone. What they saw that got a rise out of them is usually something subtle or even subconscious, an exposed shoulder, a flip of hair, an unexpected flash of skin, or even an undone button are all things that will send erotic signals to a man, but often he will be barely aware of it. Imagine the classic scenario of a husband who turns his head to look at an attractive woman walking by, then the wife getting super upset that he was "checking that girl out", and the guy has absolutely no idea what she is talking about.
It sounds like the real fear here is that because they are working together, he might get to know her and find other qualities in her that are attractive besides her looks. And so, you imagine that, instead of just looking, he will start to attach thoughts to her that will become him fantasizing about her. And then, that might turn into him acting on it. The bad news here is, if he is going to do that there is absolutely nothing that you can do to stop it.
It is important to note that you cannot control your boyfriend's thoughts, those are his and his alone. Just as much as he cannot control yours. But, one of the main distinctions between men and women are that women tie fantasy to love and romance and men don't. Men have very clear distinctions between fantasy and reality, which is why the pornography industry is what it is today. The percentage of men that would actually have sex with the porn star they are watching is very small, most of them want the fantasy to remain a fantasy and not come anywhere near their reality.
Unless you convince your man to move into a bubble somewhere, there will always be hot women around. And chances are, he barely thinks about it. He probably doesn't spend his spare time sitting on park benches and getting horny and having vivid fantasies about every woman who walks by, and more than likely he isn't sitting in his cubicle constructing elaborate scenarios involving the hot girl in various positions on his desk. But, even if he does, if he is committed to you then he isn't likely to act on it.
My advice is to allow him his thoughts, which he will have anyway, and I would also encourage him to share them with you. Challenge yourself to find the confidence to allow him to open up to you about his inner world. You will turn him on in a way that no woman ever has before if you can get him to connect with you on this level. Not only is confidence sexy, by allowing him to be himself and express himself sexually, he will experience a deeper intimacy with you. It's not necessarily about making the fantasy reality, but rather acknowledging his erotic side and allowing it to have a place in your relationship.
And, if you value your sex life and want this man to be your partner long term, you would be wise to allow him to keep his inner sexual world alive. This is the pilot light to the fire of his passion, and a man who feels he has to stifle his sexuality in his thoughts will feel that lack of freedom while expressing it as well. And then, over time your sex life as a couple will fizzle and perhaps even will mean the demise of your relationship. Just remember, the difference between you and every other woman in the world is that you are the girl who lives in his reality. The hot girl at work is nothing more than the hot girl at work.
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Hi Michelle, I'm the person who asked this question. I wanted to thank you for this wonderful answer. Your words really helped me see my situation more clearly and comforted me. You've made a difference to me, thank you.
I read this and clearly understand come things that can't be changed, but what if my boyfriend is not good at expressing himself. That doesn't help while trying to acknowledge "his erotic side and allowing it to have a place in my relationship".
How can I help him being more open?
This first thought is total horse shit. Michelle Brock makes it seem like only men have sexual thoughts. Like, give me a break and stop pandering to "evolutionary" gender norms. Please tell me you are well educated enough to realize that's obviously not the case
EXPERT
clem- absolutely. That is another topic entirely. I would love to address that, post a question and I will certainly answer.
emjaybee- yes, of course! Women have sexual thoughts too. My response was not meant to introduce some archaic idea surrounding gender norms, but was rather custom tailored to the question, which was about a man's having sexual thoughts, as well as the specific situation of the woman asking it.
I think this is a wonderful answer, and helps put into perspective a reality about men that can be hard/painful as a woman to deal with.
EXPERT
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