I am jealous and possessive with guys, even if I'm seeing other people myself. How can I get over this and stop making movies in my head?

Answers (3)

Dr. Dana Season (Clinical Psychologist) answered (7/26/2012)

We all want to be loved by everyone and it hurts when we are not the one someone chooses. It may cause you to question yourself which can be constructive when done with compassion and with a desire for self-improvement. But it can also be detrimental to our self-esteem when we doubt ourselves too much. Be real with yourself and ask yourself if you are the type of person that can handle dating multiple people and the issues that come with it.

Casual dating can be extremely difficult because jealousy and rejection is inevitable. Jealously is difficult to cope with. It can get in the way of a good relationship and cloud our mind creating illusions that are not always based in reality.

Casual dating will likely be made easier by not having sex! Even though sex is great, it will be easier to see things more clearly if you save the sex for a boyfriend rather than a casual encounter, especially if you tend to get jealous. When we have sex with someone we give them a part of us, we trust them to treat us with kindness and respect which unfortunately does not always happen. Most importantly, our bodies release a chemical called dopamine. Dopamine is released during all pleasure seeking activities including eating, sex, risk taking, achieving goals and more. You may mistakenly attribute that feeling to the person rather than the chemical release in your brain which will create a false sense of connection making jealous and hurt feelings much more likely! So get to know someone outside of the bedroom first so you are better able to decide if this person is even worth your time.

Good luck on your journey for the right person, and be safe!!

The power of the mind is our best friend and worst enemy.

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Michelle Brock (Certified Life Coach & Hypnotist) answered (8/13/2012)

I love how you describe this as "making movies in your head", that your mind concocts elaborate stories of these men in various scenarios doing things behind your back, cheating, betraying your trust, or otherwise letting you down. This fear of disappointment from men can become a powerful contract that you make with yourself, meaning that subconsciously you hold the belief that "men can't be trusted". The event that created that belief, or where you created that contract could have been in your childhood, with your first crush, your father, the prom date who stood you up, etc. It could have been something that happened to you in a past life. It could even be both, as we tend to repeat patterns of our own wounding until we can find a way to heal them. It sounds like you are aware that there is something going on here that is deeply unconscious, that you are clingy, jealous, and possessive of men, even if there is no commitment. This is behavior that is deeply fearful, and it is important to be brutally honest with yourself and examine what your fears are. Do you feel insecure and undesirable and need a man to validate you as a woman? What does a man in your life represent? Material security? SocialI would advise taking some time away from dating and renegotiate this contract with yourself. A contract like this will have you attracting to you men that reflect this belief, i.e. if you are deeply afraid of being cheated on, you will attract men who are cheaters. And, it also sounds like you are aware that your behavior will keep the quality men away, as a secure and confident man will want a partner who is the same. Step off the treadmill for a while, you can't fix this pattern without doing some real inner work yourself. And then, if you can renegotiate this contract with yourself that "men can't be trusted", and replace it with one that says "I am deserving of a trustworthy, honest, loyal man", then that is what you will attract.