Sometimes I feel like I'm two different people: nice to the outside world and a huge bitch to my family. I don't like this. Any advice on how I can change this behavior?

Answers (3)

Dr. Melanie Zermeno, MD (Psychiatrist) answered (12/23/2010)

There may be many reasons you behave differently with your family as compared to the outside world. Without knowing the specifics, it's difficult to advise you. But, I would start by thinking about what situations trigger you to act like a "bitch" with your family.

By looking for patterns in your behavior, you can better understand what about your family triggers your anger. Once this is clear, you may want to consider speaking with your family members individually about your concerns at a time when you're calm and collected. Chances are if you're coolheaded, you'll get a positive response from them. Then you and your family can begin to work on changing the relationship for the better. It usually takes two to tango and it's likely that they're fueling the fire in some way that they may not be aware of.

It may be, though, that after some reflection, you can find no rhyme or reason for your irritability with them. Sometimes when people feel secure in an unconditionally loving relationship, they feel that they can get away with bad behavior. No matter what you do or say, they have to love you. Unfortunately, frustrations that build up during the day may then be taken out on them. With acquaintances and friends, though, we're often on our best behavior, aware that they could end the relationship.

The best way to stop this cycle requires you regularly taking time to tune into your moods. Are you feeling angry, irritated or sad? If so, why? What happened during the day? If you do this prior to your interactions with your family, you'll gradually develop the awareness that your frustrations don't involve them.

As with anything, it'll take time to change your behavior. But, keep in mind, if you wouldn't behave this way with a stranger, why would you with someone you love? If your behavior continues, you may want to seek individual or family counseling to address the underlying issues.

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Michelle Brock (Certified Life Coach & Hypnotist) answered (8/18/2012)

We are all be both "Jekyll and Hyde", the nice girl and the bitch. The fact that the bitch part of you only comes out to your family and the fact that you express that you don't like doing this is important here. Maybe you express your anger to your family because you resent them. But, it sounds to me like it might be the other side of the coin, that you are spending so much energy trying to uphold the role of the nice girl to the outside world that you come home to your family with your inner bitch so pent up that you let her loose to the people that you love, trust, and feel you can safely expose her to- your family. Ask yourself- Where is the mask? Are you the nice girl? Or the bitch? Why do you feel that you can't be both? It sounds like you feel stuck in this duality, maybe you feel that the world expects you to be Ms. Sweetie all of the time. And so, you smile and reflect being nice, stifling the part of you that is Ms. Bitch until she threatens to strangle you if you don't let her out. What does appearing to be only nice to the outside world serve in you? Does it make you feel in control? Superior? Do you feel like you need to be Ms. Sweetie so you can also be Ms. Perfect? I would really examine this within yourself and be honest here. We are all the bitch and the nice girl, there is no such thing as one or the other. Try taking off the mask and find out who is hiding underneath, and then your family won't suffer from your pent up, stifled, angry inner bitch lashing out at them. When you own both sides and let the bitch and nice girl co-exist within you, you will become balanced and then your behavior will follow.