My interest in having sex varies during my monthly cycle and with stress associated with work. How do I let my boyfriend know this without making him feel blown off?

Answers (4)

Dr. Carole Altman, PhD (Sex Therapist) answered (7/5/2011)

Your brain is your most erogenous zone--it is your brain that stimulates you to feel sexual. At the same time, it is your brain that stimulates you to feel tired or stressed. With this in mind, it makes sense that there are times when our bodies will not respond because our brains are too engrossed with worry, stress, work, or whatever is keeping us down.

I suggest that you take a serious inventory of yourself to discover exactly when you are not feeling sexual. If it is stress, ask yourself what you can do about the stress. If it is the time of the month, try to discover if you can do something to override the physical reactions. If it is a situation, a word, a glance, ask yourself if you can resolve the situation.

It is best if you can discuss these issues with your boyfriend in a neutral place and at a neutral time. Do not bring this up in the bedroom or when he is making advances towards you. You could explain that the stressors in your life can sometimes drain your energy. Explain that it has nothing to do with him, but you feel so burned out that sex can be too much for you. Ask him to understand and to go with YOUR flow. Tell him you are fighting these moments and hope they will become less frequent. Tell him you love him.

It's also essential that you remember that sexual pleasure has a built-in health benefit. It is physiologically important to relieve your body of tension, and the orgasm is one of the most practical and powerful ways to do so. At the moment of orgasm, all muscle tension releases, blood flows with ease, there is freedom from thought and a moment of joy--and it is amazingly healthy. At that moment, the body is free of negativity, acidity, and stress. Take advantage of the benefits of orgasm rather than depriving yourself of this miraculous and essential release.

To conclude, use all of your emotional tools to be loving and caring to your boyfriend; AND be sure to be especially loving and caring to yourself. It is your brain which will help you through this dilemma, and it is your brain which will take you from the stress and bring you to all of the pleasure you deserve.

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JaneJ commented (6/20/2012)

I couldn't agree more--this hits close to home! When I'm with my boyfriend things could be going great, and then suddenly my mind goes back to work and it's like all my pleasure synapses immediately shut off. When it comes to getting physical I have to turn myself into a one track mind :)

EXPERT

Darren Haber, MFT (Psychotherapist) answered (7/26/2012)

Nice feedback on the question. As a guy I am touched that the writer actually cares about her boyfriend's feelings about sex and is so considerate. That in itself is the answer; most guys would be very touched by how he is being thought of and considered. I can confidently say that with 2/3 of the male clients I work with, it's not so much "the act" (or lack thereof) that these guys really care about, it's feeling respected and understood and feeling that they are still wanted by their gals -- i.e. it's not personal, it's just chemistry or stress or whatnot. (Or perhaps it's the way sex is happening, too fast, too rough, time of day, etc., that needs to be explored.) Neutral, caring communication can be an aphrodisiac. Also, if a guy is so focused on "it" that he disregards his girlfriend's struggle over this issue, and focuses only on HIS needs or wants, he needs a gentle kick in the rear and a little more empathy. Sex is important, but emotional safety and connection is the bedrock. Yes, men and women have sexual differences, but both have emotional needs that are equally important.

Finally, I appreciate Dr Altman's explanation of the physiological importance of orgasm; I may cut and paste it into an email and send to my wife. (Kidding)

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EXPERT

Dr. Ramani Durvasula (Licensed Clinical Psychologist) answered (11/12/2012)

This is about communication (like most relationship issues). And sex can be so delicate, and an area of real vulnerability for most men and women. We almost always interpret our partner's lack of desire as being something about us. I totally agree with other experts and answers here- this is not something to talk about in the bedroom when he wants to, and you don't - it's a conversation to have at a neutral time. It is VERY common for sex drive in a woman to be tied to monthly cycles - and if a man isn't experiencing these cycles, he may not recognize it. So educate him . But it also raises the larger issue of the impact stress is having on your life. The work stress is bleeding into your life - and it is a real thing. Engaging in some stress management of any kind - exercise, meditation - may help address this. And you don't always have to go from soup to nuts (no pun intended) in the erotic arena - when you are stressed, touch can go a long way to connect the two of you - with him knowing that this is a way to connect and not necessarily foreplay. Over time it may be that connecting with your partner in this way becomes a way to address the stress brought on by stress, connect you guys physically, and maintain the intimacy in your relationship.

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Meg W answered (7/1/2012)

It is so hard to help a man see sexuality from a female standpoint, i.e. there could possibly be a few times a month when you don't find it super easy to get turned on! I agree with Dr. Altman—when I had this conversation with my man it was over breakfast, a neutral time and environment. Since we had that conversation, it was like we were able to put all of our sexual requests and wishes out in the open and today we continue to have a very communicative, satisfied sex life together.

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