Why am I only attracted to emotionally unavailable guys?

Answers (5)

Darren Haber, MFT (Psychotherapist) answered (7/24/2012)

Hi. Very often we are trying to unconsciously 'correct' an earlier experience, hoping this time it will be different. Cognitive behavioral therapy can help lay out new behaviors or thought patterns to practice -- since "if nothing changes, nothing changes". A psychodynamic approach would use insight and feeling to connect with earlier experiences that helped create what currently counts as an 'acceptable' relationship in one's psyche, and help us understand what love is to us in particular, and how we hope to find it 'this time'. Often we are not used to, or even feel we cannot hold onto or even don't deserve more transparent emotional generosity. Unavailability can also be a distraction, from the uncomfortable psychic challenges most of us hope will be soothed or ameliorated by a romantic relationship; ie, that an unavailable person will transform into a more intimate partner, and transform US in the process. I do think it's important to look at the repetitive patterns and try to understand what our psyche is trying to tell us viz desires, hopes, longings & fears.

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Dr. Melanie Zermeno, MD (Psychiatrist) answered (8/4/2010)

Wow. How much time do you have? People can spend years in therapy uncovering the roots to problems like these. Unfortunately, there is no easy answer to this, so I will speak generally.

Oftentimes, women who find themselves attracted to men who are unable or unwilling to commit emotionally have had unstable or insecure relationships with one or both parents. Whether the parents were abusive, neglectful or otherwise rejecting, children grow up feeling insecure about themselves and their worthiness to be loved by anyone.

As an adult, attraction to men who are unavailable or rejecting can serve two purposes. First, if you know that someone is unavailable, then you risk nothing in pursuing them, as you already expect the rejection--i.e., the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know. And secondly, chasing after a rejecting man replicates the rejection you may have felt as a child. You may hope to win over the unavailable man, which would be the ultimate triumph, disproving the belief that you are unlovable.

Unfortunately, the part that usually takes years to figure out is that the unavailable man is just that...unavailable. It's not that if you were taller, thinner, smarter, prettier or bustier then he would want you. His unavailability is his problem, not yours. Looking to him to validate your self worth will end like it always has: in disappointment.

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LizC commented (1/12/2012)

I agree with Dr. Zemeno. Emotionally unavailable guys can be interesting too for people with good parents because they are more of a challenge. I think once you've had a relationship with a "good guy" who is the whole package there is no way of going back. And you'll realize aloof mysterious guys were a complete waste of your time.

Anonymous commented (7/24/2012)

I'm not sure if this posted already, so sorry if it did. I just realized this pattern in my dating (if we can even call it that). I am constantly pushing away the good stable guys and running after the "bad" unstable men. I feel like I am more attracted to them and think that something might change. I know this is probably connected to my dad and the relationship we don't have. But now that I know this, what am I meant to do? Keep pushing through with the nice guys just because even if I dont feel it? It feels like its safer to be on my own. (mess).

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Dr. Ramani Durvasula (Licensed Clinical Psychologist) answered (7/18/2012)

Relationships are mirrors - choosing the emotionally unavailable ones may be reflective of you not being ready to share your emotional world with another. And that is ok. It's a process - and it feels scary to open up that part of yourself and risk getting hurt. Getting hurt is part of the cycle - broken hearts do recover. I also think our society incentivizes men to not be emotionally available - so they have their own burdens to bear in this area. Take a step back and reflect the kinds of things you look for in a partner - how much are you caught up in the "checklist" that society wants you to have, and how much is you looking for an authentic person - regardless of how they look on paper. Be patient with yourself, enjoy meeting people, and have some fun with it.

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Andrea Labis, LCSW-R (Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Psychoanalytic Psychotherapist, Private Practice) answered (7/29/2012)

Hi Anon, My heart goes out to you. If you were wounded by your relationship with your dad, it would be wonderful if you could connect with a therapist who will take the time to assist you in healing from that pain so that you have room in your life for the partnership you deserve. There is often quite a journey between the heart and the head but yours has already begun simply by asking the question of "why" you are doing this--to yourself. Could you tolerate a man unlike your father in your life? Could you tolerate having, perhaps, a more "successful" relationship than your own parents? I think mourning the loss of the ideal relationship you wished you'd had with your dad, as well as acknowledging the deep sadness and anger you might feel at the hand you were dealt and grieving that reality, may free you to make healthier choices with respect to dating relationships. I suspect you are trying to "change the bad guys" as a way to try and work through your inability to change your father. The sooner you can understand that it's not your job to change anyone, that your father's shortcomings HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU OR HOW LOVABLE YOU ARE, the quicker you will begin to be more open to the "good guys" who will offer you so much more without a struggle. Know that it's your birthright to be adored for who you are--you don't need to convince anyone at this point. Except yourself.:-)

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Anonymous answered (7/16/2012)

agree

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